Over the Edge...

Today I did an abseil! It has been in the diary for a couple of months and I'll admit, as much as I love outdoor pursuits I was kind of hoping I'd have a reason not to do it in which case John would have done it in my place. But all that said, I'm so glad I got to do it! I've had a really difficult week this week knowing that my treatment hasn't worked again but knowing that I'd get to do something that I wouldn't be able to do if I was pregnant has been a little light at the end of the tunnel!
You can find out more about the amazing work 'Streetwise', who we were fundraising for, does here: http://www.streetwiseproject.com/ and you can sponsor us here: http://www.justgiving.com/Streetwiseabseil
And here I am - a dot on the edge of a cliff face!

A friend came to see me last night to have a catch up about how I was getting on. We chatted about Emilie, about heaven, and about how much I long to see her again. We talked about how I feel when I see Sam devastated because he has lost or broken something and how much I long to make things ok for him. She reminded me that God feels exactly the same about me, even though it sometimes may not feel like it. She encouraged me to defer God's promises for my life back to him and to focus on his character not as a punishing, vengeful God but as a loving father. I found this last night when I couldn't sleep and it reflected perfectly what my friend had spoken to me about so I wanted to share it:
My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

Memories...

Today marks a year since we found out we were having a little girl. And here she is...




Not a day goes by that I don't think about her or miss her. I miss everything about her and even find myself missing the 'should have been moments'. She would be 9 months old next week and should be sitting up, crawling and keeping me on her toes in the way her big brother did. But I don't have those memories. Instead I have memories of her mannerisms and personality when I was pregnant with her; Her sheer defiance at remaining in the uncomfortable positions she would curl into; Her fighter spirit to survive as long as she did in spite of all of the problems she had; her dainty little fingers and toes and the way her tiny mouth looked; the way it felt to hold her. I remember the joy I felt when I found out I was having a little girl. I made a dress for her a couple of weeks later and bought tiny pink outfits that sit unworn in her memory box.





We decorated her room in a jungle theme and the 3 of us made a handprint tree for her - our stamp on her room.




These are the things that I want to remember - not the trauma of the day she died or the despondency of the weeks and months to follow, but the special memories I have of my beautiful little girl. Every day that goes by is a day less for me to wait to see her again. I can't wait until that day.




I really hope that one day we can tell her baby brother or sister about their amazing big sister with a fighting spirit. I long for that day too.....

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts.....and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine."

Today a friend lost her baby at 16 weeks. Why does it happen? I can't stop thinking about her and what she will be going through over the coming days, weeks and months; of the wilderness she and her husband will feel. But because of what I've been through I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Each day we get up and make that decision to carry on. To move forward. We're still standing somehow and I know that my friends will get through too. But it's the pain they'll be feeling now that seems unbearable and overwhelming. It is like running a series of marathons. You wake up knowing that you have to carry on but everything in you screams for you to stop. The pain and fear are overwhelming and the desire for it all to stop is crippling. And that's where they'll be right now.
I often ask God why He allowed Emilie to die and last night, before I knew about my friend's baby, I cried myself to sleep for the first time in ages. I got angry at God and asked him why he was letting me go through this. Why aren't I pregnant and why does my fertility treatment not seem to be working. I was reminded of this verse: '"for my thoughts are nothing like your thoughts" says the Lord "and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine."'. This blew my mind. I don't know why we have to go through these trails but I do know that God is in control. I don't know why he allows such terrible things to happen but I do know that he has a plan for my life and this is only a snapshot of it. Whilst right now this will be no comfort to my friend, because of Emilie's death I have an understanding of how she will fenland what she will be enduring that I wouldn't have had otherwise. I know that, although the pain never goes away, things get easier - your capacity increases. I hope that this will be some comfort to people reading this who are in that wilderness time. I don't know the answers and I wish I did but I trust that one day the situations will be turned around.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad