1st October 2011
Today has been another hard day. I felt so empty when I woke up and my heart felt so heavy. I think if it wasn’t for Samuel I wouldn’t have bothered getting out of bed. Things just seem so pointless. A friend came round to see us this morning which was really helpful. Things always seem easier when you can talk about them rather than keeping the emotions inside. I go through moments of feeling ok and feel guilty for smiling or getting on with things and then I feel so low that I don’t know how to go on. There doesn’t seem to be any middle ground.
We also went to healing rooms today. I found that really hard – it was the first time we’d been out of the house actually knowing we would see people we know and who know what we’ve been through. Everyone was great and I know that the prayer will have done us some good – I just struggle to see how at the moment. After healing rooms we went to pick Sam up from from our friends who had been looking after him for us. Knowing that their new baby was in their house, no matter how much I love him, felt almost crippling for me and I was certain I wouldn’t be able to see him. I began to panic in the car at the mere thought and felt incredibly sick. Once inside, thought, I just felt so loved by our friends and knew that the will be able to help us get through this. I think it will take me a while to be comfortable around him but I guess that’s all part of the healing process.
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